everything, everywhere, all at once.
The me I was conditioned to be and the me I am becoming.
Everything, everywhere, all at once.
Last month, I wanted to buy a teddy bear because I needed someone sitting in the passenger seat. Last week, I had to lie on the grass during my lunch break because I felt a shame so intense I couldn’t breathe. Last night, I felt an escalating overwhelm that kept me up. And amongst it all - I tried to write this piece again and again but the writers block was a predator.
Today, driving through Australian forest with the windows down, I smelled dewy eucalyptus and rains approaching. Mist blanketed far away towns, cows spotted diagonally along hilltops. Suddenly we’re collecting fire wood in preparation. The changing weather reflects my turbulence.
Since returning from travel, the growing pain is here; a knowing that it’s time to move. I wish I could lie and say that this came to me softly during a meditation or something more profound, that I know for sure it’s the right decision.
And yet, I have been spinning in the washing machine with all my old stories, always moments away from air. I have tried to articulate these feelings, but every sentence feels so leaden. They are threaded to memories I’d rather leave behind.
I want you and me in my mind, but I also want us really far away from it.
This pulsating guilt; the further I go, the further away I am from home.
I ask myself often, do I want to return back to my hometown?
The answer is always no, look at my beautiful life here.
And still, the guilt stays.
Dad is getting older, mum isn’t okay without me, my siblings are waiting.
It feels like I’m choosing between them or me. Every time I hear, ‘are you ready to come home?’ Or, ‘things have been really tough this week actually’, I hear alarm bells.
Every time I feel alone, it becomes a penance for listening to myself, someone who’d cause such suffering so willingly.
If I’m alone,
it means I chose wrong.
I am shocked and annoyed that the path to becoming a self-directed adult isn’t neat and tidy (Who’s job is it to clear this path anyway?!)
And honestly, my brain’s played it over so often it’s actually embarrassing to talk about. This rom com has not aged well.
Sometimes I joke that I'm non-committal, avoidant, flighty.
Because how do you explain to someone that if you anchor anywhere, you’re worried you’re sacrificing the whole family? How do you explain to someone that these confusing stories are ancient and alive even though you know they aren’t true?
That they are silly and nonsense but etched into your skull.
Removing them could cut something vital.
The tombstone always read the same; choosing herself hurt others, she was a bad person because she chose herself, she chose not to take away their distress.
I have simultaneously never felt more in my body than right now. My next change is incredible. I am proud of myself for the leap I’m about to make. I have never felt more powerful or loved by my community than in these moments. I know I have made the right decision because it is the one that allows me to take up more space.
The dissonance between the me I was conditioned to be and the me I am becoming is fierce, and sometimes they grow teeth.
In times like these, I try to focus on the good.
My sister said that she was proud I was really growing into my own. My brother is embracing being a dad, and he’s so excited for the experiences I get to have child-free. My mother’s independence finds her braving love, life, and searching for her tribe. My dad said that he thinks of me every day, even when we don’t speak. My friends I pick up like book chapters, and we continue where we left off.
I wear these moments close to my skin and I breathe them in during times like this,
when my growing scares my own conditioning.
I am right here, I tell myself.
When my brain tells me that my joy means something very bad about me, I try to hold myself with more love than I think I can possibly endure. I worship every food craving, every desire to jump into the ocean clothes on, every moment I think will bring me lightness or laughter even if it’s silly.
I try to surround myself with people I love to remind myself that I’m a person that can still be loved,
someone that can be trusted,
and I try not to let go.
So yeah,
busy week, you know,
everything, everywhere, all at once.
All my love, C x